It was a dark and stormy night... with Colgate Total.

Terrors abound! The latest spectral skull-faced visage of spoon-bending hysteria is a post at the Nosferatudinous hour of 2:50 in the a.m. Bear your fangs and rattle your chains! The witching hour is upon us and the words flow freely like a stick of butter left on the stove. Eldritch butter! On a sepulchrous stove! Entombed in a nefarious blog post on the darkest side of forboding midnight is a message of such brain-flaying awe that dead relations spin in their caskets and power local blasphemy turbines. What wolf-howled message of bleak skeletal dread could be worth so many hellish adjectives? Only this: Floss your teeth with the amazing new Reach Access(TM) Flosser! Your teeth and gums will thank you for it!

What a bone-jellifying display of product placement most dire!